Inky Orchard

This blog is about God. If that bothers you, you can leave. But I’d much rather you stay. I want you to hear me from my gut. Because I really would like to become the kind of person who is so identified with God at her core that you can’t really separate us. So that you can’t talk to only the unoffensive part – Rachel (haha – though I’m sure if you knew me well enough you would think the opposite). He is a part of my life. I am still too big, too much of an obstruction for you to see Him. For me to see Him. But I want to make sure you know He’s not going anywhere – regardless of how my outside may appear at one time or another.

God is teaching me some mind-blowing, ribcage-rattling things. Through reading. Through conversations with other people.

And I think it is appropriate to address this first, in case I lose you at any point. Paul says in 1 Corinthians that God’s wisdom does not make sense to man. When we are under His grace, truly embracing Him and discarding ourselves, our minds begin to bend toward His way of thinking. It is only natural. But the gospel will always look like foolishness to those who are not being saved. A Christ-centered life with a focus on other people, on forgiving the impossible, less of me / more of Him – those will never make logical sense to the sinner. Only by knowing God, experiencing these things from Him, will we begin to grasp it. He transforms us. It still doesn’t all make sense. But He is so much deeper than me. I worship a God whose logic dwarfs my biggest truth. It’s all about scale.

So all that was to say – please don’t get frustrated. Right after that passage Paul also talks about “spiritual speak.” How God moves people by His spirit. We are not persuaded into faith. Grace is not rational. You can’t reason your way into God. You reason your way away from the world. And just as my belief in God may not make sense to you (just yet), the way I talk about Him might be just as confusing.

All this learning of how God moves has me thinking a lot about my role in the lives of others. Do I live it out for you? Do I ever get to speak? Paul admits he is clumsy with his words. When is the time for being direct? When is the time for questions? For answers? When do I get to share? When do I let you live out your life?

So far, this is what I know:

1. I will love you. No matter what you’ve done. Who you killed. What you smoke. No matter how different we are. It will be difficult – for me, a selfish, safe girl. But my Jesus hung out with the broken.

2. I will try to live it more than I speak it. At this point in my life, I am know the value of love in action. Words … they scare me more and more the older I get. And you will judge them harshly when I speak them.

3. I will answer your questions as best as I can.

4. If I do speak of God, I will be honest. I still fail. I still struggle. No pretending here. And there is also no pretending when I say His love is the greatest.

5. I will say I’m sorry.

And right now I need to do that.

First, to the people I’ve complained to over the years. About pains. About me struggling to forgive. To move on. I am learning that it is not right for me to complain excessively – it implies that I deserve better. I needed you. Thank you for listening. But it’s over now. A new friend of mine wisely told me that moving on is as easy as deciding to not feel sad anymore. And I’m not. I think it was a basic human instinct for me to feel hurt, to wallow a little. But dwelling on it was unhealthy. For you & for me. Now I am choosing to forgive. I am choosing to leave this behind me. Learned. Now live.

Second, I would like to apologize for overkill. This goes out to a certain Swindler. I am still learning how to share God. I do not regret sharing. But I do feel like I could do better. Not more. Just… better. Where? To what extent? I’m still figuring that out. Mostly I am concerned with my motives. At the core, I hope there is love. But I can never be sure. That is why I am writing this.

[I love my church. Both my church home in Savannah and the one back here in NC (The Summit, Brier Creek). I've been doing some long hours up there - taking pictures for the blog Dad & I are designing for the evening service.]

These things have been on my mind. I’ve been questioning myself. Pushing myself. If you ever think of me, please don’t dwell on anything positive that may come to mind. Pray for me. I need that so much more than false praise. Pray for God to transform my heart and mind. Pray for me to be desperate for Him. For wisdom. Patience. Humility. And above all, that He would be my everything. Top shelf. Every day I am learning how much I suck. And that leaves more room for His strength.