College / Updates 
1 Comment One
This morning in my sleepiness I stretched out an arm. And in my dreamy state, my body registered physical pain. Upon waking, I discovered that the pain was real. My forearms feel like brittle rubber bands; my shoulders feel heavy with tension. (Most of my body is complaining to me this morning.)
All this for ONE negative. While it poured rain yesterday, I hauled all my photo gear plus all my props for my still life up to the Student Center. I juggled a backpack stuffed to the max with notes and objects, a second backpack containing the camera and lenses, a shopping bag about the size and weight of those backpacks filled with still life items, a tripod (a heavy-duty one, mind you), and I balanced an umbrella too – trying to keep from getting soaked. Only a ten minute walk. But so, so long. So heavy.
In that afternoon, I took six negatives of two separate still lifes. Lives. (I never know which one it is.) One was rather brilliant, I thought. The other feminine yet surprising. I ended up working from about 12-3:30.
After my art history class and dinner, I toughened up and decided to develop all that film with the few night hours I had left… even though my body was exhausted. Being at Bergen at late hours of the night, with no one to keep me company except the Cave checkout people, always makes me feel insane. I’ve had encounters with the Cave people where I’m pretty sure they thought I was on something. Last night was one of those nights – I just get like that just from sheer tiredness. (“Cave people” check out the darkroom equipment to photo students.) Every time the guy spoke to me, there was at least a 5 second processing delay on my part. I felt kind of dumb. But that was the condition of my mind & body at that hour.
I don’t recall making any major mistakes while developing. But I was horrified when my test strip revealed 4 negatives extremely blown out. Out of the six I shot yesterday, only one appears to be usable. That is the one I have shared.
At this point I am still unsure of what I did wrong. Yesterday I had to put into practice some of the material I learned that morning in class – calculations for how much time to increase the exposure when the bellows are extended past a certain point (Bellows Extension Factor).
Today is a new day. I am disappointed about yesterday. But these good things make me happy:
1. Mutemath is coming to Savannah.
2. The breathing exercises my brother invented for me over Christmas still help calm me down.
3. It is pleasantly cloudy but not rainy today.
4. This weekend I am going on my first real photo shoot with my friend Janelle! (Real photoshoot: driving to a location outside downtown Savannah.)
5. God is gradually teaching me to loosen my tight grip on my academics, my plans, and my need to have control of my day-to-day tasks. It is unhealthy. And I think yesterday was a big exercise in “rolling with it.” As far as the ruined film goes. My body aches, but there is more film to be shot. He is still in control… and I am even more thankful for that when things don’t go according to my plan. My plan isn’t guaranteed to work out. In fact – it won’t. I rely on my diligence to get things done – I find security in the relationship between my hard work and the successful order it brings to my life. But my hard work won’t stop bad things from happening. My hard work doesn’t always equate to success, and it never equates to salvation. Father, let me find my security in Your salvation – in Your love alone. Not in myself or in my works. Let the work of my hands glorify the One who MADE these hands. I am only able to do things well because of You. May I find my worth in Your majesty.